Wednesday, June 10, 2009


There is a great fiction being perpetrated jointly by the government, the diet industry, and the exercise confederation that poor diet and lack of physical activity conspire to make people fat. We have previously argued that the modern diet and processed foods are essential to the progress of the species, but we can all use a little more exercise. Who, however, has time during the busy day to travel to a gym? Because we are deeply concerned about our fellow man my assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have had a humble sideline research project simmering for a half decade or so that has finally borne fruit. We introduce to the world here, Snoozercise.

No human drive is stronger than the will to survive (known within the Atricusian Paradigm as "The Will To Not Die"). This is why people struggle to semiconsciousness and grab the remote when they have left the TV on and are assaulted by the voice of Ron Popeil at 2:30 A.M.* By firmly attaching weights to the chest of a sleeping person and compressing the available lungspace, the body must subconsciously struggle during the autonomous breathing of deep sleep to supply the brain with oxygen. This struggle is what constitutes exercise. The exercise of muscles in or near the core area of the body constitutes the best possible value per minute of work. Snoozercise is an almost safe and possibly effective way to convert time otherwise occupied in unconsciousness to time excercising.

Check with your physician before starting this or any exercise programme.

* Ms. Jones attempted to discourage me from this exercise of humor, believing that it was beneath me. I assured her that my readers have a fine taste for well-crafted hilarity involving figures from the popular culture. I suspect Ms. J simply didn't "get it."


  1. We are in the process of designing an infomercial targeted to the sleepless. I shall unseat Popeil as the King of Insomniacs.