Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Medicinal Huffing

We at Atricus Industries recently celebrated the U.S. Independence Day with some home-made fireworks. We are not entirely sure who notified the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms about our small nuclear detonation, but you--dear reader--may be sure that the Nosy Nancies who ratted us out significantly under-reported the height of the mushroom cloud by 1.2 miles. (6.2 miles, thank God the wind was blowing to the southwest.)

It was while cleaning and assembling the components for that device the week before that I was exposed to a solvent in a closed room for a period of time. I found myself with increased energy and in exceptionally good humor! My devoted assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, commented on my sprightly wit and emotional enthusiasm, evidenced by spontaneous, playful grabs. We convulsed in laughter and things got a little fuzzy for a few seconds. After I awoke on the floor (I lost consciousness for a moment) and collected my wits, I found myself staring at the ceiling light. It was, in fact, a simile of the creative light that at that moment illuminated my creative mental machinery.

Why is inhaling chemicals, in fact, a crime? Had I not just had a marvelous experience? Am I not an adult with enough degrees (both real and honorary) to collapse a bridge? Were we not about (at that time) to celebrate our liberty from tyranny?

We at Atricus Industries are seeking a sponsor for a bill to repeal laws prohibiting the inhalation of intoxicating vapors. We drink intoxicating fluids, do we not? Why, then, are vapors arbitrarily outlawed? "They're too strong," whines the ignorant critic. How much water does it take to drown a person? Only two inches, in a tub, even if the person struggles and thrashes and screams. You have to use a bar hold across the back of the neck. From what I hear.

 She says it is fine. She looks trustworthy.

Anyway, inhalants, like alcoholic beverages and cannabis in those enlightened places are lawful ways to ingest substances for human benefit and pleasure. Here are the reasons why we believe inhaling substances such as glue, paint, nitrous oxide, etc. should be lawful.

1) It promotes a sense of well-being.
2) It is inexpensive.
3) All of the chemicals were originally derived from natural compounds and solvents.
4) Land of the free, home of the etc. etc.

So raise a glass or (where lawful) light up a doobie and write your representatives! End the irrational discrimination against intoxicating inhalants!