Friday, January 29, 2010

Killing Two Birds with One Stone

If it's one thing we preach here at Atricus Industries it's efficiency. This is why I insist my assistant, Miss Groovy Jones, take her lunch at her desk. She protests, but wasted time is wasted money.

With this guiding philosophy in mind, we have submitted to the Congress of the United States our request for a mere few dozen billion dollars of the "stimulus" money to initiate a program that solves at the same time the problems of (1) renewable power and (2) global warming. Our proposed project will provide the Earth with 24-hour a day solar power while simultaneously acting as an umbrella, mitigating the effects of human-caused climate change.

One of the problems with solar power is that the panels spend much of the time in the dark. Our proposed 160 million square km solar panel array will generate life-giving power continuously. With this protective shield in place, we will no longer have complaints about "global warming." Electricity generated by the new system will inexpensively light the thereafter eternally dark Earth. It was Abraham Lincoln* who said that "if it were night all the time, the people of the earth - all of the colors of the rainbow - would no longer war, but make love ceaselessly." Peace, then, may be the greatest dividend of all resulting from this investment in the SolarBrella.

* We're unsure of the Lincoln citation, but it was either him or another person.

Friday, January 8, 2010


We have good news pertaining to ongoing legal battles designed to protect a disabled minority that has long suffered without a voice.

Those of you who have been subscribers to our column know that we at Atricus Industries tackle problems that cause the blood to drain from the faces of less intellectually sturdy researchers and scientists. In fact, "blood drain" is at the core of the latest thorny medical question to make it to our laboratories. We count on the maturity of our readership to refrain from snickering and lapsing into puerile 14 year old boys' room locker whispers as we engage in the discussion of a disability that not only afflicts millions of men around the globe, but also affects to a disabling degree your author.

We are referring to Needy Genital Syndrome, or NGS.

The typical NGS sufferer is male, sexually active, between the ages of 13 and 110. The agony associated with "needy genitals" may make it impossible for the sufferer to work, sleep, or even conduct himself as a civilized human being. The good news is that NGS therapies are already available at exotic dance establishments, certain massage parlors, and through freelance street therapists all over the country. All that is required is the political will to decriminalize certain therapeutic maneuvers. Further discussion along these lines exceeds the scope of the present article.

We do, in this article, wish to announce a recent legislative victory. Over the last several months our attorneys at Rohl, Ouver, and Daih have successfully negotiated with the municipality of Noix Gonflees, Louisiana and the lawmaking authority of that fine political entity to gain a foothold of legislative precedence. We are proud to announce that NGS is now recognized as a disability allowing the certified placard holder to park in specially designated stalls reserved for NGS sufferers. It is well known that completely well people violate standard handicap parking areas with impunity, but NGS parking violations will result in imprisonment up to 15 years. I should note that much of the important early groundwork for this legislation was due to the efforts of city fathers including the mayor – a fellow NGS sufferer – and Atricus Industries liaison Miss Groovy Jones during a series of hot tub meetings early this winter.

If you or a loved one suffers from NGS, stay tuned to this web log for further developments.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

bFast. Phase One.

We are pleased to report that we have emerged from our latest lawsuit unscathed. The bastards on the other side were unable to prove by a preponderance of the evidence that I had anything whatsoever to do with that nasty business with the triplets. My dear assistant Miss Groovy Jones, despite some mildly damaging testimony for the plaintiff, eventually came to her senses and recanted in open court. A damaged witness for the plaintiff was a good witness for me.

In any event, the research at Atricus Industries has proceeded unabated during my persecution. We are announcing the first of three phases in our new intellectual stimulation protocol, the "Breathing Fast," or "bFast" for short. Technically, it is an oxygen fast, but Miss Jones would not commit to participating in an oFast program for some silly reason. For her, we changed the name.

The first phase of this patented program encourages ordinary adults under my supervision to participate in a regimen of breath-holding. In the same way that reduced food intake stimulates the body, reduces illness, and increases longevity, reduced breathing stimulates the brain, increases knowledge, and makes one more sexy too. We shall reveal the next two phases shortly.

Naturally this sort of thing requires monitoring by a trained professional. Would you, informed and intelligent reader, take out your own appendix? Would you attempt to jump out of an aeroplane without instruction? Please contact us at Atricus Industries for a consultation.