ARSS

I was having dinner with my lovely assistant Miss Groovy Jones the other night. We were patching up a silly misunderstanding after Miss Jones, for some strange reason, became convinced that some alleged digital photos she found on my computer were not merely malicious fabrications of my numerous detractors placed there to damage me. First, I have not been that limber in over a decade, and second, some of those depicted, fabulous acts would constitute criminal offenses in most developed countries. It impugns my character to suggest that I would violate the law.

In any event because I am a charitable and nurturing man, I had hoped to add a little something to Miss Jones' wine to ameliorate her anxiety. The officious service staff at the restaurant continually hovered about, making it impossible for me to properly prepare the salutary medicated beverage. My powerful mind never ceases to grapple with pressing problems, be they technological, political, or social, and I experienced an epiphany prior to dessert. Since I am a man faithful to the concept of full disclosure, I herewith submit for the review of my distinguished and culturally sophisticated readership the Atricus Restaurant Semaphore System (ARSS). Servers: You have been given notice.

(Click on photo for larger version)

"Just Desserts"

The rising cost of health care, both individually and socially, is rapidly becoming one of the consuming issues of our era. We at Atricus Industries, the birthplace of modern philanthropy, humbly submit a solution.



The "Just Desserts" retirement community, like the purple dawn of a cloudless spring day, promises to satisfy everyone. The community philosophy is "sweets and sedentariness." Our clients have worked hard their entire lives, and deserve to spend their remaining years, or - hopefully - months pampered in regal splendor, with no worry for tomorrow. Every meal consists of dessert, and every activity consists of just holding still while life comes to you.



The math is quite simple. The vast majority of medical expenditures occur in the last decade or so of life. If we shorten the time elderly people are in the system, overall medical expenses for the entire population will plummet like a my assistant Miss Groovy Jones' neckline in the '70s.



We are already receiving startup funding from major health insurers who, for the time being, are requesting we not name them.

The last days of one's life are too precious to spend clinging with white knuckles to bedrails and oxygen canisters. Go out in style.

The Power of Touch

Genius lands where it will, and it has fallen heavily on us at Atricus Industries.

I was scouting about for a new bed for my assistant Ms. Groovy Jones - her former one having inexplicably disintegrated for reasons we need not enumerate at this time - and took the opportunity to test a few alleged "massage chairs." The sensation was negligible, akin to a tentative grope of the sort one might get at a junior high basement party or a packed subway car. Nature truly abhors a vacuum, and it was into the sensation void that my genius rushed.

One of the innumerable strengths of Atricus Industries is our continuing quest to associate with other like-minded, ennobled, progressive organizations. Dr. Simon Mazzo runs such an enterprise, and as a result of a bad hand of cards we have conspired with him to unleash the Atricus Omnichair upon a population starving for aggressive simulated touch. Mazzo's unique "Good Pain, Mazzo-Kissed" cam technology is the basis for the most powerful armchair manipulation available today.



The chair comes pre-programmed with two dozen various stimulation regimens, including Closing Time Bar Fight, Pamplona Sprint, Felonious Groping, and our new TSA Examination (three levels).



Check with your physician before using this or any full-contact product. All sales are final. Atricus Industries is not liable for injury or death resulting from the use of this product.