Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Toilet Paper and Personality

We have been inundated with questions over the course of the morning from people who are curious about what psychological insights may be gleaned from how they position their toilet paper rolls, "over" or "under." We are, as many long-time readers know, experts in the field having written previously for many highly respected journals on the psychology of hygiene ritual.

People who install their toilet paper so that the tissue comes out from behind and under the roll tend to be sexually promiscuous, devious, and untrustworthy. Many "rock and roll" musicians, for example, practice the "under" method as part of their dark, salacious lifestyles. My assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, is a recovering underholic.

People who set up their toilet paper so that the tissue comes over the top are much more likely to be aggressive, insensitive power-mongerers. Examples of such personalities include Napoleon, an early proponent of rolled paper in France, well before its "official" invention some sixty or seventy years later. Former President Richard Nixon is alleged to have also fallen into this camp, although it is hotly contested by hygiene rituologists.

The most balanced people are those who forgo the entire toilet paper convention and refuse to participate within a system that says "put your toilet paper on a roll bar." Simply placing a roll on its side is much more likely to evidence even-temperedness, balanced personality, and free-thinkingness, although some preliminary evidence also suggests fickleness, lack of commitment, and weakness of personality.

We hope our insights lead to a clearing of this complex and fascinating issue.


  1. "My assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, is a recovering underholic."

    How do you know that!!!!??? That is very personal and disturbing.

  2. A lamented, excessive use of bathroom products in the office made it necessary for me to clandestinely place several cameras in the restroom. It was during the careful review of those recordings that I was able to note - from several angles - Ms. Jones' rearrangement of the toilet paper and the depth of her problem. Poor girl. We are working together on her rehabilitation.

  3. you act like somebody who didnt get treated for syphillus or something

  4. You act like someone who didn't get treated for ignorance, or something.