Snoozercise

There is a great fiction being perpetrated jointly by the government, the diet industry, and the exercise confederation that poor diet and lack of physical activity conspire to make people fat. We have previously argued that the modern diet and processed foods are essential to the progress of the species, but we can all use a little more exercise. Who, however, has time during the busy day to travel to a gym? Because we are deeply concerned about our fellow man my assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have had a humble sideline research project simmering for a half decade or so that has finally borne fruit. We introduce to the world here, Snoozercise.



No human drive is stronger than the will to survive (known within the Atricusian Paradigm as "The Will To Not Die"). This is why people struggle to semiconsciousness and grab the remote when they have left the TV on and are assaulted by the voice of Ron Popeil at 2:30 A.M.* By firmly attaching weights to the chest of a sleeping person and compressing the available lungspace, the body must subconsciously struggle during the autonomous breathing of deep sleep to supply the brain with oxygen. This struggle is what constitutes exercise. The exercise of muscles in or near the core area of the body constitutes the best possible value per minute of work. Snoozercise is an almost safe and possibly effective way to convert time otherwise occupied in unconsciousness to time excercising.

Check with your physician before starting this or any exercise programme.

* Ms. Jones attempted to discourage me from this exercise of humor, believing that it was beneath me. I assured her that my readers have a fine taste for well-crafted hilarity involving figures from the popular culture. I suspect Ms. J simply didn't "get it."

Chemical Man

As pre-man scrabbled for a living in parts of Africa and the Near Orient he learned to cook, which made more types of food easier to digest. The creature became Cooking Man a million and a half years ago and evolved past his fellows, leaving the monkeys to the forest. As Cooking Man wandered around and finally hopped off the glacier some 15,000 years ago, he started cultivating plants and animals, and City Man - the agriculturalist - was born. Again, modernizing man broadened his culinary world through the taming of foods. City Man prevailed against the hunter-gatherer Cooking Man, but kept his culinary skills. Several hundred years ago man harnessed the power of the machine, and Industrial Man with his milled and processed foods took over the world leaving relatively primitive City Man to perform his services, and primitive Cooking Man to point at on his vacations.

We are now at the cusp of a new age, and Chemical Man is poised to supercede Industrial Man. Chemical Man makes the best use of modern medicines, scientifically formulated and processed foods such as the Twinkie, and will undoubtedly leave mere Industrial Man behind in the stink of diesel and coal smoke. Chemical Man eats whatever comes out of the modern lab and is plump and happy. Since the age of Italian city-state politics mankind has tended to suspect that heaviness evidences prosperity and good health. Chemical Man says and does what he wants, has sex when and with whomever he pleases, and eats until he's about to pop. It was only during the 19th century that the busybody Christers started associating body weight with the fabricated "sin" of "gluttony." People who oppose this so-called "hedonism" are selfish, narrow-minded folks who are unhappy unless they are in someone else's business. As Eric Hoffer noted, "people with business worth minding generally mind their own business."



Chemical Man's lifestyle makes him happy (just look at the faces of children as they eat cotton candy or enjoy an ice cream cone!), and unless we all participate and breed the next generation of happy, rotund, self-satisfied, chemically complex men, we will stagnate and die.