Monday, June 1, 2009

Hard Times for Research

An Open Letter to Lovers of Science:

We recently learned that one of our grants will NOT be renewed this fall. The fertile field of Tactile Telekinesis is one in which my lovely research assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have generated a great deal of material. For the uninitiated, tactile telekinetics is the field of mind control that merges physicality with the mental aspects. In Tactile Telekinetics I excercise certain thought powers, e.g. "I wish to cause you pain," and my hand telekinetically moves to slap you in the face which causes you pain and completes the thought process. This is Tactile Telekinetics.

Some small-minded bean counter in Washington D.C. has failed to distinguish this legitimate, fascinating, and lucrative (for us) science from simple thrashing around and has axed our grant. Well, he has a boss too. We are appealing this myopic attack on our science, and encourage you - dear, esteemed reader, whoever you are - to write to your legislator about our case.

Thank you,

Dr. Gerald Atricus and Ms. Groovy Jones


  1. Ms. Jones better watch her groovy step and keep her research physicality within her own metaphysical plane.

    Or else.

    (I'll telekinetically bitch slap her.)

  2. Ah yes.

    You cannot hide behind the "anonymous" moniker Mr. BUCK DUNWIDDY of LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. I was found "not guilty" by a jury of my peers of your slanderous criminal allegations, and - as you well know - the stalking injunction against you remains in effect. I shall report this apparent violation to the court of jurisdiction, sir!