Sunday, May 31, 2009

Modifying DNA

We are, as usual, ahead of our time. We were recently rejected yet again (as are all prophets, visionaries, and progressives) by a half dozen so-called "scientific" journals for our theories regarding the modification of DNA and the creation of new organisms.

DNA, for the layperson, looks like this:

Modification of DNA according to the Atricusian Method (patent pending) involves rapidly spinning the organism in a direction opposite the twist of the DNA, thus straighening it out. Our early experiments with grasshoppers in Atricusian RSMs (rapidly spinning machines) have been promising. The stuff we have pulled out of the spinners may very well be new life forms. We are running the organic material through filters at the moment, scanning for signs of life.

We are publishing this so that the scientific publishing community (not really scientists at all!) cannot steal our brilliant ideas, and herewith lay claim to the credit we are due for this breakthrough technique. Up yours, you lab-coated, Galileo-hating, rigid, narrow-minded bastards!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Champion of Women's Rights

We have been invited to speak again at a graduating class for a small, elite women's institution. When we address the Tuscaloosa Beauty School tonight, we shall recount our involvement in the liberation of women - perhaps these very girls' mothers - back in the late sixties. God, I personally liberated as many women as I could get my hands on.

It is all the more mysterious that my personal and research assistant, Groovy Jones, keeps hassling me for some sort of uncomfortable change to our long-term, casual, liberating relationship. Why any woman would want to be enslaved with a ring and a piece of paper is beyond me.

In any event, let us all reflect today on the great gains women have made, and in our participation in those gains. We can hardly wait to make the acquaintance of yet more intelligent and independent young women tonight at the "meet and greet" (and drink) subsequent to the graduation ceremony. To women's lib, and to meeting more liberated women!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Apologia pro Twinkie

We have no patience for those who would malign the epitome of soft, sweet, and friendly food: The Twinkie.

Some have waxed bombastic about the so-called phosphate and gas content of this delicious and healthy food. Others poke fun at the longevity of the venerable snack cake through supposed "experiments." But the truth remains that no one can demonstrate a link between the consumption of Twinkies in particular, and poor health. That is because such allegations, such baseless claims, the rhetorical graspings at air of apoplectic, righteous do-gooders and busybodies, are utterly false.

We have enjoyed a Twinkie several times a week with Nescafe as part of our well-balanced breakfast, and the Twinkie has served as the fuel for our marvelous mind. In fact, we can prove that the Twinkie is a quintessentially modern, safe, perfect food.

1) The Twinkie contains healthy, modern chemicals. Just because the Twinkie may contain trace amounts of phosphates and sundry minerals does not make it bad. Many of us take medicines which contain many compounds which when consumed at high levels may be toxic. The Twinkie is not dangerous; it is medicinal in the sense that it makes us happy and supplies us with the chemicals upon which we have come to rely.

2) The Twinkie is made with love. In 1936 our late father Patrick visited the Twinkie plant - a kitchen actually - in Illinois. It was a life-changing experience. He would often recount how Inez, Lucilla, and Melba showed him the attention which went into every precious snack cake. Although father was no believer, he was impressed by the prayer circle at the beginning of the production day in which the ladies invoked the power of a higher being in assisting them in their great work of bringing joy to innumerable American pantries and lunchboxes.

3) The so-called Twinkie Defense was debunked ages ago. In fact, having a Twinkie to cheer oneself up is preferred to using heroin, methamphetamine, or ecstasy.

In the coming weeks, we shall engage the lies supported by our federal government and various health departments that foods such as the Twinkie are responsible for an "epidemic" of health problems in this country.

Speciesism and Open Mindedness

When Mavis was presented as a prom queen candidate, no one thought she stood a chance. It wasn't just that she stood at less than two feet high, or showed up in front of the student body wearing absolutely nothing.

Mavis is a pig.

The students at John Birch High School in Mayfair, Kentucky were reminded by Principal Wilbur Stolid that restricting candidacy for prom queen to girls, fellow students, or even human beings was a sign of sickness and close-mindedness. "We are living in an age in which intolerance in any form must be rooted out and destroyed," he thundered.

A small group of dissenting students was promptly subdued by the majority of the student body. Injuries to the dissenting students consisted of a few broken bones and a destroyed wheelchair. Class President Charla Dickson noted that "the First Amendment doesn't include the right to be wrong at school."

Let's hope that this open-mindedness continues to spread like a tsunami of enlightenment across the land.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sexual Intracourse and Vision

There is a positive correlation between sexual intracourse and diminished distance vision. (We developed the term in the 1960s to refer to masturbation, which at the time remained much maligned.) In conjunction with the University of Tuscaloosa, my research assistant Groovy Jones and I worked with student body volunteers and discovered that chronic masturbators tended to be nearsighted. The cause, however, was not the act of intracourse itself, rather the tendency of the masturbator to focus his/her vision on the immediate surroundings to the exclusion of the beautiful, wide world.

To prevent nearsightedness, we propose the following behavioral changes for those who routinely engage in sexual intracourse:

1) Do it outside. It is unhealthy to be in a place where one's vision is limited by a nearby wall, ceiling, or floor.
2) During the act, take moments - preferably from ten to twenty seconds - to focus on a distant object. Allow your vision to readjust to distances. Since sex can alter time perceptions, count out loud.
3) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Share your newfound freedom from nearsightedness with your friends. While we don't recommend YouTube, a well-considered blog entry or tweet may encourage others to also engage in safe sexual intracourse.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Gerald Loves the Children

I have been approached by a publisher for whom I once worked to produce a pictographic book for young readers. The publishing house is a twat-filled joint, but they do have money, and that means something today. And besides, it's for the children.

So the book: The volume shall be a handsome yet sturdy tome complete with scratch-'n'-sniff cards entitled Doctor Atricus' Picture Book of Pustules, Abscesses, and Oozing Sores. It will be suitable for coffeetable display and shall be available for less than $80.00 at all fine bookstores by second quarter, 2010.