Friday, May 14, 2010

eMerge, When Sex Isn't Close Enough

Online dating is currently responsible for one in five marriages. Some companies such as eHarmony and Match claim to be able to pair people based on compatibility testing. We do not intend to take anything away from their minor successes, but we at Atricus Industries have found a better, more sure way.

At, our extensive 2,452 point screening examination is guaranteed to help the lovelorn seeker locate someone virtually identical to him/herself. Only in this way can "looking out for #1" include another person.

If crawling under your loved one's skin or getting inside his or her head is just barely close enough, eMerge is for you. Contact us at Atricus Industries for additional information.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them

We at Atricus Industries were awarded a juicy contract to develop less-than-lethal law enforcement technologies. My assistant Miss Groovy Jones and I discovered that Fiji provided the most conducive atmosphere to the sort of creative thinking required for this line of intellectual inquiry. We exhausted our funds before we were able to actually produce anything, and I must confess a little distress at the prospect of completing the grant followup forms. This unanticipatedly rapid research expenditure however turned out to be a benefit. And "necessity," as it happens, really is the mother of invention.

We mean that quite literally. Necessity - the daughter of some ex-pat free-thinkers - was our maid at the bungalow and it was she who complained of a drum-induced nosebleed stemming from what she believed was over-exposure the previous evening. The next fifteen minutes were a creative flurry as Miss Jones and I completed the grant followup and the proposal in a rhetorical masterpiece.

Most great ideas - and we believe we qualify as experts in that field as this blog will attest - involve the synthesis of distinct theses by great minds. My underappreciated father (rest his soul), Patrick, had been involved in very technical studies on the punitive effects of amplified drumming back in the 1950s.

My limber and nimble mind made the necessary connections, and we are now prepared to offer law enforcement and the military our expertise in deploying the soon-to-be patented AuralAssault™ technology along with our specially trained Fijian strike force. This will naturally require additional funding which the taxpayers would be foolish not to force upon us.