Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Medicinal Huffing

We at Atricus Industries recently celebrated the U.S. Independence Day with some home-made fireworks. We are not entirely sure who notified the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms about our small nuclear detonation, but you--dear reader--may be sure that the Nosy Nancies who ratted us out significantly under-reported the height of the mushroom cloud by 1.2 miles. (6.2 miles, thank God the wind was blowing to the southwest.)

It was while cleaning and assembling the components for that device the week before that I was exposed to a solvent in a closed room for a period of time. I found myself with increased energy and in exceptionally good humor! My devoted assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, commented on my sprightly wit and emotional enthusiasm, evidenced by spontaneous, playful grabs. We convulsed in laughter and things got a little fuzzy for a few seconds. After I awoke on the floor (I lost consciousness for a moment) and collected my wits, I found myself staring at the ceiling light. It was, in fact, a simile of the creative light that at that moment illuminated my creative mental machinery.

Why is inhaling chemicals, in fact, a crime? Had I not just had a marvelous experience? Am I not an adult with enough degrees (both real and honorary) to collapse a bridge? Were we not about (at that time) to celebrate our liberty from tyranny?

We at Atricus Industries are seeking a sponsor for a bill to repeal laws prohibiting the inhalation of intoxicating vapors. We drink intoxicating fluids, do we not? Why, then, are vapors arbitrarily outlawed? "They're too strong," whines the ignorant critic. How much water does it take to drown a person? Only two inches, in a tub, even if the person struggles and thrashes and screams. You have to use a bar hold across the back of the neck. From what I hear.

 She says it is fine. She looks trustworthy.

Anyway, inhalants, like alcoholic beverages and cannabis in those enlightened places are lawful ways to ingest substances for human benefit and pleasure. Here are the reasons why we believe inhaling substances such as glue, paint, nitrous oxide, etc. should be lawful.

1) It promotes a sense of well-being.
2) It is inexpensive.
3) All of the chemicals were originally derived from natural compounds and solvents.
4) Land of the free, home of the etc. etc.

So raise a glass or (where lawful) light up a doobie and write your representatives! End the irrational discrimination against intoxicating inhalants!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I was having dinner with my lovely assistant Miss Groovy Jones the other night. We were patching up a silly misunderstanding after Miss Jones, for some strange reason, became convinced that some alleged digital photos she found on my computer were not merely malicious fabrications of my numerous detractors placed there to damage me. First, I have not been that limber in over a decade, and second, some of those depicted, fabulous acts would constitute criminal offenses in most developed countries. It impugns my character to suggest that I would violate the law.

In any event because I am a charitable and nurturing man, I had hoped to add a little something to Miss Jones' wine to ameliorate her anxiety. The officious service staff at the restaurant continually hovered about, making it impossible for me to properly prepare the salutary medicated beverage. My powerful mind never ceases to grapple with pressing problems, be they technological, political, or social, and I experienced an epiphany prior to dessert. Since I am a man faithful to the concept of full disclosure, I herewith submit for the review of my distinguished and culturally sophisticated readership the Atricus Restaurant Semaphore System (ARSS). Servers: You have been given notice.

(Click on photo for larger version)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

"Just Desserts"

The rising cost of health care, both individually and socially, is rapidly becoming one of the consuming issues of our era. We at Atricus Industries, the birthplace of modern philanthropy, humbly submit a solution.

The "Just Desserts" retirement community, like the purple dawn of a cloudless spring day, promises to satisfy everyone. The community philosophy is "sweets and sedentariness." Our clients have worked hard their entire lives, and deserve to spend their remaining years, or - hopefully - months pampered in regal splendor, with no worry for tomorrow. Every meal consists of dessert, and every activity consists of just holding still while life comes to you.

The math is quite simple. The vast majority of medical expenditures occur in the last decade or so of life. If we shorten the time elderly people are in the system, overall medical expenses for the entire population will plummet like a my assistant Miss Groovy Jones' neckline in the '70s.

We are already receiving startup funding from major health insurers who, for the time being, are requesting we not name them.

The last days of one's life are too precious to spend clinging with white knuckles to bedrails and oxygen canisters. Go out in style.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Power of Touch

Genius lands where it will, and it has fallen heavily on us at Atricus Industries.

I was scouting about for a new bed for my assistant Ms. Groovy Jones - her former one having inexplicably disintegrated for reasons we need not enumerate at this time - and took the opportunity to test a few alleged "massage chairs." The sensation was negligible, akin to a tentative grope of the sort one might get at a junior high basement party or a packed subway car. Nature truly abhors a vacuum, and it was into the sensation void that my genius rushed.

One of the innumerable strengths of Atricus Industries is our continuing quest to associate with other like-minded, ennobled, progressive organizations. Dr. Simon Mazzo runs such an enterprise, and as a result of a bad hand of cards we have conspired with him to unleash the Atricus Omnichair upon a population starving for aggressive simulated touch. Mazzo's unique "Good Pain, Mazzo-Kissed" cam technology is the basis for the most powerful armchair manipulation available today.

The chair comes pre-programmed with two dozen various stimulation regimens, including Closing Time Bar Fight, Pamplona Sprint, Felonious Groping, and our new TSA Examination (three levels).

Check with your physician before using this or any full-contact product. All sales are final. Atricus Industries is not liable for injury or death resulting from the use of this product.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Google - Purveyor of Terrorist Imagery

We will not be silenced.

It has come to our attention at Atricus Industries that Google, the internet search engine monopoly, has recently been accused of cryptoterrorism. Although our plates are full here at A.I., we are also true patriots, and therefore determined to press our considerable resources to either confirming or debunking this accusation. Exhibit One: Google's logo from yesterday, Veteran's Day, 2010.

The state of the current debate centers around the protrusion of the letter E from the U.S. flag as well as the glow behind the flag. The "E" is supposed to represent the Muslim Crescent, and the glow, some sort of anti-American conflagration.

We decided to process the image through our Atricusian algorithms (patents pending) which (omitting certain sensitive details) incorporate the latest in subatomic crytographic rotation scans and trifurcating expanso-reductors, as well as compound dimensionality. For the interested layperson, we are able to pull out of the image those things that Google hoped would remain only perceptible subliminally. Exhibit Two: The Atricusian-enhanced image.

The evidence is overwhelming that Google is complicit with terrorism. We freely make this information available to the American public. You may contact our executive assistant, Miss Groovy Jones, at the listed electronic mail address in the sidebar to book us in speaking engagements on this or practically any matter. Our offering of this evidence has absolutely nothing to do with our sealed lawsuit against Google, although we are not indisposed to incorporating aspects of this complaint in a settlement.

Friday, May 14, 2010

eMerge, When Sex Isn't Close Enough

Online dating is currently responsible for one in five marriages. Some companies such as eHarmony and Match claim to be able to pair people based on compatibility testing. We do not intend to take anything away from their minor successes, but we at Atricus Industries have found a better, more sure way.

At, our extensive 2,452 point screening examination is guaranteed to help the lovelorn seeker locate someone virtually identical to him/herself. Only in this way can "looking out for #1" include another person.

If crawling under your loved one's skin or getting inside his or her head is just barely close enough, eMerge is for you. Contact us at Atricus Industries for additional information.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them

We at Atricus Industries were awarded a juicy contract to develop less-than-lethal law enforcement technologies. My assistant Miss Groovy Jones and I discovered that Fiji provided the most conducive atmosphere to the sort of creative thinking required for this line of intellectual inquiry. We exhausted our funds before we were able to actually produce anything, and I must confess a little distress at the prospect of completing the grant followup forms. This unanticipatedly rapid research expenditure however turned out to be a benefit. And "necessity," as it happens, really is the mother of invention.

We mean that quite literally. Necessity - the daughter of some ex-pat free-thinkers - was our maid at the bungalow and it was she who complained of a drum-induced nosebleed stemming from what she believed was over-exposure the previous evening. The next fifteen minutes were a creative flurry as Miss Jones and I completed the grant followup and the proposal in a rhetorical masterpiece.

Most great ideas - and we believe we qualify as experts in that field as this blog will attest - involve the synthesis of distinct theses by great minds. My underappreciated father (rest his soul), Patrick, had been involved in very technical studies on the punitive effects of amplified drumming back in the 1950s.

My limber and nimble mind made the necessary connections, and we are now prepared to offer law enforcement and the military our expertise in deploying the soon-to-be patented AuralAssault™ technology along with our specially trained Fijian strike force. This will naturally require additional funding which the taxpayers would be foolish not to force upon us.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Price of Progress

Please ignore any news items regarding a suit against Atricus Industries by the inquisitorial federal government and opportunistic private persons. The Atricus "oxygen fast" technique (AKA bFast) for increasing brain power (patent pending) will eventually be vindicated. We regret that one of our subjects recently nearly drowned during submerged negative-reinforcement memory testing. Our attorney has strongly recommended we remain silent, but I must note that if the subject cannot remember the difference between the hand gestures for "a little more electric shock is still okay" and "let me out now," how can we be blamed?

Friday, January 29, 2010

Killing Two Birds with One Stone

If it's one thing we preach here at Atricus Industries it's efficiency. This is why I insist my assistant, Miss Groovy Jones, take her lunch at her desk. She protests, but wasted time is wasted money.

With this guiding philosophy in mind, we have submitted to the Congress of the United States our request for a mere few dozen billion dollars of the "stimulus" money to initiate a program that solves at the same time the problems of (1) renewable power and (2) global warming. Our proposed project will provide the Earth with 24-hour a day solar power while simultaneously acting as an umbrella, mitigating the effects of human-caused climate change.

One of the problems with solar power is that the panels spend much of the time in the dark. Our proposed 160 million square km solar panel array will generate life-giving power continuously. With this protective shield in place, we will no longer have complaints about "global warming." Electricity generated by the new system will inexpensively light the thereafter eternally dark Earth. It was Abraham Lincoln* who said that "if it were night all the time, the people of the earth - all of the colors of the rainbow - would no longer war, but make love ceaselessly." Peace, then, may be the greatest dividend of all resulting from this investment in the SolarBrella.

* We're unsure of the Lincoln citation, but it was either him or another person.

Friday, January 8, 2010


We have good news pertaining to ongoing legal battles designed to protect a disabled minority that has long suffered without a voice.

Those of you who have been subscribers to our column know that we at Atricus Industries tackle problems that cause the blood to drain from the faces of less intellectually sturdy researchers and scientists. In fact, "blood drain" is at the core of the latest thorny medical question to make it to our laboratories. We count on the maturity of our readership to refrain from snickering and lapsing into puerile 14 year old boys' room locker whispers as we engage in the discussion of a disability that not only afflicts millions of men around the globe, but also affects to a disabling degree your author.

We are referring to Needy Genital Syndrome, or NGS.

The typical NGS sufferer is male, sexually active, between the ages of 13 and 110. The agony associated with "needy genitals" may make it impossible for the sufferer to work, sleep, or even conduct himself as a civilized human being. The good news is that NGS therapies are already available at exotic dance establishments, certain massage parlors, and through freelance street therapists all over the country. All that is required is the political will to decriminalize certain therapeutic maneuvers. Further discussion along these lines exceeds the scope of the present article.

We do, in this article, wish to announce a recent legislative victory. Over the last several months our attorneys at Rohl, Ouver, and Daih have successfully negotiated with the municipality of Noix Gonflees, Louisiana and the lawmaking authority of that fine political entity to gain a foothold of legislative precedence. We are proud to announce that NGS is now recognized as a disability allowing the certified placard holder to park in specially designated stalls reserved for NGS sufferers. It is well known that completely well people violate standard handicap parking areas with impunity, but NGS parking violations will result in imprisonment up to 15 years. I should note that much of the important early groundwork for this legislation was due to the efforts of city fathers including the mayor – a fellow NGS sufferer – and Atricus Industries liaison Miss Groovy Jones during a series of hot tub meetings early this winter.

If you or a loved one suffers from NGS, stay tuned to this web log for further developments.