Saturday, June 6, 2009


We have recently been having some difficulty with our iPhones. My assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, complained that she was experiencing poor reception. Having her remove the mobile from her cleavage improved both transmission and reception for a few weeks, but then even I - an expert in the care and feeding of all sorts of gadgets - noticed degraded performance in my appliance. Ms. J scheduled appointments for us at the Apple Store and we met at the appointed hour with some snooty little fellow who examined the devices briefly, and airily pronounced that they were no longer under warranty because primitive "submersion detectors" made it plain (in his walnut-sized brain) that the phones had been soaked in water. I protested, stared into his beady, rodent-like eyes, and told him that his bullshit detector was flashing like a pulsar. Security was called and a brief scuffle ensued. I'm above going into the nasty details of the subsequent valiant battle against oppression, but suffice it to say Ms. Jones conducted herself well and that the punk with the pepper spray got back as much as he gave. Apple will be paying for a new pair of pants for me, and Ms. Jones is prepared to swear in a court of law she was groped.

We returned to the lab and subsequently discovered that the iPhone has a small and diabolically clever miniature moisture sprayer attached to a submicro circuit. A reverse assembly of that circuit reveals that when an Apple employee enters an appointment for any of a number of complaints that could be explained by water damage, main Apple servers send the encrypted subcarrier cellular signal to the appliance which activates the misting device which triggers the detector for a "positive" reading thus allowing Apple to say that the problem was caused by water damage. With that declaration, the iPhone has traveled into another county and the Apple deputies are forced to stop at the line, stomp their feet, throw down their hats, and say "aw, shucks, we cain't help ya no more, gad-durn it!"

This war is far from over. Feel free to send cash donations to "Restore Apple's Gadgetry Excellence" (RAGE) in care of us. Ms. Jones is very upset. Thank you.

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