Chemical Man

As pre-man scrabbled for a living in parts of Africa and the Near Orient he learned to cook, which made more types of food easier to digest. The creature became Cooking Man a million and a half years ago and evolved past his fellows, leaving the monkeys to the forest. As Cooking Man wandered around and finally hopped off the glacier some 15,000 years ago, he started cultivating plants and animals, and City Man - the agriculturalist - was born. Again, modernizing man broadened his culinary world through the taming of foods. City Man prevailed against the hunter-gatherer Cooking Man, but kept his culinary skills. Several hundred years ago man harnessed the power of the machine, and Industrial Man with his milled and processed foods took over the world leaving relatively primitive City Man to perform his services, and primitive Cooking Man to point at on his vacations.

We are now at the cusp of a new age, and Chemical Man is poised to supercede Industrial Man. Chemical Man makes the best use of modern medicines, scientifically formulated and processed foods such as the Twinkie, and will undoubtedly leave mere Industrial Man behind in the stink of diesel and coal smoke. Chemical Man eats whatever comes out of the modern lab and is plump and happy. Since the age of Italian city-state politics mankind has tended to suspect that heaviness evidences prosperity and good health. Chemical Man says and does what he wants, has sex when and with whomever he pleases, and eats until he's about to pop. It was only during the 19th century that the busybody Christers started associating body weight with the fabricated "sin" of "gluttony." People who oppose this so-called "hedonism" are selfish, narrow-minded folks who are unhappy unless they are in someone else's business. As Eric Hoffer noted, "people with business worth minding generally mind their own business."



Chemical Man's lifestyle makes him happy (just look at the faces of children as they eat cotton candy or enjoy an ice cream cone!), and unless we all participate and breed the next generation of happy, rotund, self-satisfied, chemically complex men, we will stagnate and die.

Apologia pro Twinkie

We have no patience for those who would malign the epitome of soft, sweet, and friendly food: The Twinkie.

Some have waxed bombastic about the so-called phosphate and gas content of this delicious and healthy food. Others poke fun at the longevity of the venerable snack cake through supposed "experiments." But the truth remains that no one can demonstrate a link between the consumption of Twinkies in particular, and poor health. That is because such allegations, such baseless claims, the rhetorical graspings at air of apoplectic, righteous do-gooders and busybodies, are utterly false.

We have enjoyed a Twinkie several times a week with Nescafe as part of our well-balanced breakfast, and the Twinkie has served as the fuel for our marvelous mind. In fact, we can prove that the Twinkie is a quintessentially modern, safe, perfect food.

1) The Twinkie contains healthy, modern chemicals. Just because the Twinkie may contain trace amounts of phosphates and sundry minerals does not make it bad. Many of us take medicines which contain many compounds which when consumed at high levels may be toxic. The Twinkie is not dangerous; it is medicinal in the sense that it makes us happy and supplies us with the chemicals upon which we have come to rely.

2) The Twinkie is made with love. In 1936 our late father Patrick visited the Twinkie plant - a kitchen actually - in Illinois. It was a life-changing experience. He would often recount how Inez, Lucilla, and Melba showed him the attention which went into every precious snack cake. Although father was no believer, he was impressed by the prayer circle at the beginning of the production day in which the ladies invoked the power of a higher being in assisting them in their great work of bringing joy to innumerable American pantries and lunchboxes.

3) The so-called Twinkie Defense was debunked ages ago. In fact, having a Twinkie to cheer oneself up is preferred to using heroin, methamphetamine, or ecstasy.

In the coming weeks, we shall engage the lies supported by our federal government and various health departments that foods such as the Twinkie are responsible for an "epidemic" of health problems in this country.