Friday, January 8, 2010


We have good news pertaining to ongoing legal battles designed to protect a disabled minority that has long suffered without a voice.

Those of you who have been subscribers to our column know that we at Atricus Industries tackle problems that cause the blood to drain from the faces of less intellectually sturdy researchers and scientists. In fact, "blood drain" is at the core of the latest thorny medical question to make it to our laboratories. We count on the maturity of our readership to refrain from snickering and lapsing into puerile 14 year old boys' room locker whispers as we engage in the discussion of a disability that not only afflicts millions of men around the globe, but also affects to a disabling degree your author.

We are referring to Needy Genital Syndrome, or NGS.

The typical NGS sufferer is male, sexually active, between the ages of 13 and 110. The agony associated with "needy genitals" may make it impossible for the sufferer to work, sleep, or even conduct himself as a civilized human being. The good news is that NGS therapies are already available at exotic dance establishments, certain massage parlors, and through freelance street therapists all over the country. All that is required is the political will to decriminalize certain therapeutic maneuvers. Further discussion along these lines exceeds the scope of the present article.

We do, in this article, wish to announce a recent legislative victory. Over the last several months our attorneys at Rohl, Ouver, and Daih have successfully negotiated with the municipality of Noix Gonflees, Louisiana and the lawmaking authority of that fine political entity to gain a foothold of legislative precedence. We are proud to announce that NGS is now recognized as a disability allowing the certified placard holder to park in specially designated stalls reserved for NGS sufferers. It is well known that completely well people violate standard handicap parking areas with impunity, but NGS parking violations will result in imprisonment up to 15 years. I should note that much of the important early groundwork for this legislation was due to the efforts of city fathers including the mayor – a fellow NGS sufferer – and Atricus Industries liaison Miss Groovy Jones during a series of hot tub meetings early this winter.

If you or a loved one suffers from NGS, stay tuned to this web log for further developments.


  1. Well I, for one, am excited at these developments.

  2. We observe that "antiques" is in your title. Much of NGS work certainly involves the handling of antiques.