Saturday, May 1, 2010

If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them

We at Atricus Industries were awarded a juicy contract to develop less-than-lethal law enforcement technologies. My assistant Miss Groovy Jones and I discovered that Fiji provided the most conducive atmosphere to the sort of creative thinking required for this line of intellectual inquiry. We exhausted our funds before we were able to actually produce anything, and I must confess a little distress at the prospect of completing the grant followup forms. This unanticipatedly rapid research expenditure however turned out to be a benefit. And "necessity," as it happens, really is the mother of invention.

We mean that quite literally. Necessity - the daughter of some ex-pat free-thinkers - was our maid at the bungalow and it was she who complained of a drum-induced nosebleed stemming from what she believed was over-exposure the previous evening. The next fifteen minutes were a creative flurry as Miss Jones and I completed the grant followup and the proposal in a rhetorical masterpiece.

Most great ideas - and we believe we qualify as experts in that field as this blog will attest - involve the synthesis of distinct theses by great minds. My underappreciated father (rest his soul), Patrick, had been involved in very technical studies on the punitive effects of amplified drumming back in the 1950s.

My limber and nimble mind made the necessary connections, and we are now prepared to offer law enforcement and the military our expertise in deploying the soon-to-be patented AuralAssault™ technology along with our specially trained Fijian strike force. This will naturally require additional funding which the taxpayers would be foolish not to force upon us.

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