Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Power of Touch

Genius lands where it will, and it has fallen heavily on us at Atricus Industries.

I was scouting about for a new bed for my assistant Ms. Groovy Jones - her former one having inexplicably disintegrated for reasons we need not enumerate at this time - and took the opportunity to test a few alleged "massage chairs." The sensation was negligible, akin to a tentative grope of the sort one might get at a junior high basement party or a packed subway car. Nature truly abhors a vacuum, and it was into the sensation void that my genius rushed.

One of the innumerable strengths of Atricus Industries is our continuing quest to associate with other like-minded, ennobled, progressive organizations. Dr. Simon Mazzo runs such an enterprise, and as a result of a bad hand of cards we have conspired with him to unleash the Atricus Omnichair upon a population starving for aggressive simulated touch. Mazzo's unique "Good Pain, Mazzo-Kissed" cam technology is the basis for the most powerful armchair manipulation available today.

The chair comes pre-programmed with two dozen various stimulation regimens, including Closing Time Bar Fight, Pamplona Sprint, Felonious Groping, and our new TSA Examination (three levels).

Check with your physician before using this or any full-contact product. All sales are final. Atricus Industries is not liable for injury or death resulting from the use of this product.

1 comment:

  1. Is Felonious Groping related to the jazz musician, Felonious Monk?