Medicinal Huffing

We at Atricus Industries recently celebrated the U.S. Independence Day with some home-made fireworks. We are not entirely sure who notified the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms about our small nuclear detonation, but you--dear reader--may be sure that the Nosy Nancies who ratted us out significantly under-reported the height of the mushroom cloud by 1.2 miles. (6.2 miles, thank God the wind was blowing to the southwest.)

It was while cleaning and assembling the components for that device the week before that I was exposed to a solvent in a closed room for a period of time. I found myself with increased energy and in exceptionally good humor! My devoted assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, commented on my sprightly wit and emotional enthusiasm, evidenced by spontaneous, playful grabs. We convulsed in laughter and things got a little fuzzy for a few seconds. After I awoke on the floor (I lost consciousness for a moment) and collected my wits, I found myself staring at the ceiling light. It was, in fact, a simile of the creative light that at that moment illuminated my creative mental machinery.

Why is inhaling chemicals, in fact, a crime? Had I not just had a marvelous experience? Am I not an adult with enough degrees (both real and honorary) to collapse a bridge? Were we not about (at that time) to celebrate our liberty from tyranny?

We at Atricus Industries are seeking a sponsor for a bill to repeal laws prohibiting the inhalation of intoxicating vapors. We drink intoxicating fluids, do we not? Why, then, are vapors arbitrarily outlawed? "They're too strong," whines the ignorant critic. How much water does it take to drown a person? Only two inches, in a tub, even if the person struggles and thrashes and screams. You have to use a bar hold across the back of the neck. From what I hear.

 She says it is fine. She looks trustworthy.

Anyway, inhalants, like alcoholic beverages and cannabis in those enlightened places are lawful ways to ingest substances for human benefit and pleasure. Here are the reasons why we believe inhaling substances such as glue, paint, nitrous oxide, etc. should be lawful.

1) It promotes a sense of well-being.
2) It is inexpensive.
3) All of the chemicals were originally derived from natural compounds and solvents.
4) Land of the free, home of the etc. etc.

So raise a glass or (where lawful) light up a doobie and write your representatives! End the irrational discrimination against intoxicating inhalants!

ARSS

I was having dinner with my lovely assistant Miss Groovy Jones the other night. We were patching up a silly misunderstanding after Miss Jones, for some strange reason, became convinced that some alleged digital photos she found on my computer were not merely malicious fabrications of my numerous detractors placed there to damage me. First, I have not been that limber in over a decade, and second, some of those depicted, fabulous acts would constitute criminal offenses in most developed countries. It impugns my character to suggest that I would violate the law.

In any event because I am a charitable and nurturing man, I had hoped to add a little something to Miss Jones' wine to ameliorate her anxiety. The officious service staff at the restaurant continually hovered about, making it impossible for me to properly prepare the salutary medicated beverage. My powerful mind never ceases to grapple with pressing problems, be they technological, political, or social, and I experienced an epiphany prior to dessert. Since I am a man faithful to the concept of full disclosure, I herewith submit for the review of my distinguished and culturally sophisticated readership the Atricus Restaurant Semaphore System (ARSS). Servers: You have been given notice.

(Click on photo for larger version)

"Just Desserts"

The rising cost of health care, both individually and socially, is rapidly becoming one of the consuming issues of our era. We at Atricus Industries, the birthplace of modern philanthropy, humbly submit a solution.



The "Just Desserts" retirement community, like the purple dawn of a cloudless spring day, promises to satisfy everyone. The community philosophy is "sweets and sedentariness." Our clients have worked hard their entire lives, and deserve to spend their remaining years, or - hopefully - months pampered in regal splendor, with no worry for tomorrow. Every meal consists of dessert, and every activity consists of just holding still while life comes to you.



The math is quite simple. The vast majority of medical expenditures occur in the last decade or so of life. If we shorten the time elderly people are in the system, overall medical expenses for the entire population will plummet like a my assistant Miss Groovy Jones' neckline in the '70s.



We are already receiving startup funding from major health insurers who, for the time being, are requesting we not name them.

The last days of one's life are too precious to spend clinging with white knuckles to bedrails and oxygen canisters. Go out in style.

The Power of Touch

Genius lands where it will, and it has fallen heavily on us at Atricus Industries.

I was scouting about for a new bed for my assistant Ms. Groovy Jones - her former one having inexplicably disintegrated for reasons we need not enumerate at this time - and took the opportunity to test a few alleged "massage chairs." The sensation was negligible, akin to a tentative grope of the sort one might get at a junior high basement party or a packed subway car. Nature truly abhors a vacuum, and it was into the sensation void that my genius rushed.

One of the innumerable strengths of Atricus Industries is our continuing quest to associate with other like-minded, ennobled, progressive organizations. Dr. Simon Mazzo runs such an enterprise, and as a result of a bad hand of cards we have conspired with him to unleash the Atricus Omnichair upon a population starving for aggressive simulated touch. Mazzo's unique "Good Pain, Mazzo-Kissed" cam technology is the basis for the most powerful armchair manipulation available today.



The chair comes pre-programmed with two dozen various stimulation regimens, including Closing Time Bar Fight, Pamplona Sprint, Felonious Groping, and our new TSA Examination (three levels).



Check with your physician before using this or any full-contact product. All sales are final. Atricus Industries is not liable for injury or death resulting from the use of this product.

Google - Purveyor of Terrorist Imagery

We will not be silenced.

It has come to our attention at Atricus Industries that Google, the internet search engine monopoly, has recently been accused of cryptoterrorism. Although our plates are full here at A.I., we are also true patriots, and therefore determined to press our considerable resources to either confirming or debunking this accusation. Exhibit One: Google's logo from yesterday, Veteran's Day, 2010.



The state of the current debate centers around the protrusion of the letter E from the U.S. flag as well as the glow behind the flag. The "E" is supposed to represent the Muslim Crescent, and the glow, some sort of anti-American conflagration.

We decided to process the image through our Atricusian algorithms (patents pending) which (omitting certain sensitive details) incorporate the latest in subatomic crytographic rotation scans and trifurcating expanso-reductors, as well as compound dimensionality. For the interested layperson, we are able to pull out of the image those things that Google hoped would remain only perceptible subliminally. Exhibit Two: The Atricusian-enhanced image.



The evidence is overwhelming that Google is complicit with terrorism. We freely make this information available to the American public. You may contact our executive assistant, Miss Groovy Jones, at the listed electronic mail address in the sidebar to book us in speaking engagements on this or practically any matter. Our offering of this evidence has absolutely nothing to do with our sealed lawsuit against Google, although we are not indisposed to incorporating aspects of this complaint in a settlement.

eMerge, When Sex Isn't Close Enough

Online dating is currently responsible for one in five marriages. Some companies such as eHarmony and Match claim to be able to pair people based on compatibility testing. We do not intend to take anything away from their minor successes, but we at Atricus Industries have found a better, more sure way.



At eMerge.com, our extensive 2,452 point screening examination is guaranteed to help the lovelorn seeker locate someone virtually identical to him/herself. Only in this way can "looking out for #1" include another person.



If crawling under your loved one's skin or getting inside his or her head is just barely close enough, eMerge is for you. Contact us at Atricus Industries for additional information.

If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them

We at Atricus Industries were awarded a juicy contract to develop less-than-lethal law enforcement technologies. My assistant Miss Groovy Jones and I discovered that Fiji provided the most conducive atmosphere to the sort of creative thinking required for this line of intellectual inquiry. We exhausted our funds before we were able to actually produce anything, and I must confess a little distress at the prospect of completing the grant followup forms. This unanticipatedly rapid research expenditure however turned out to be a benefit. And "necessity," as it happens, really is the mother of invention.



We mean that quite literally. Necessity - the daughter of some ex-pat free-thinkers - was our maid at the bungalow and it was she who complained of a drum-induced nosebleed stemming from what she believed was over-exposure the previous evening. The next fifteen minutes were a creative flurry as Miss Jones and I completed the grant followup and the proposal in a rhetorical masterpiece.

Most great ideas - and we believe we qualify as experts in that field as this blog will attest - involve the synthesis of distinct theses by great minds. My underappreciated father (rest his soul), Patrick, had been involved in very technical studies on the punitive effects of amplified drumming back in the 1950s.



My limber and nimble mind made the necessary connections, and we are now prepared to offer law enforcement and the military our expertise in deploying the soon-to-be patented AuralAssault™ technology along with our specially trained Fijian strike force. This will naturally require additional funding which the taxpayers would be foolish not to force upon us.

The Price of Progress

Please ignore any news items regarding a suit against Atricus Industries by the inquisitorial federal government and opportunistic private persons. The Atricus "oxygen fast" technique (AKA bFast) for increasing brain power (patent pending) will eventually be vindicated. We regret that one of our subjects recently nearly drowned during submerged negative-reinforcement memory testing. Our attorney has strongly recommended we remain silent, but I must note that if the subject cannot remember the difference between the hand gestures for "a little more electric shock is still okay" and "let me out now," how can we be blamed?

Killing Two Birds with One Stone

If it's one thing we preach here at Atricus Industries it's efficiency. This is why I insist my assistant, Miss Groovy Jones, take her lunch at her desk. She protests, but wasted time is wasted money.

With this guiding philosophy in mind, we have submitted to the Congress of the United States our request for a mere few dozen billion dollars of the "stimulus" money to initiate a program that solves at the same time the problems of (1) renewable power and (2) global warming. Our proposed project will provide the Earth with 24-hour a day solar power while simultaneously acting as an umbrella, mitigating the effects of human-caused climate change.



One of the problems with solar power is that the panels spend much of the time in the dark. Our proposed 160 million square km solar panel array will generate life-giving power continuously. With this protective shield in place, we will no longer have complaints about "global warming." Electricity generated by the new system will inexpensively light the thereafter eternally dark Earth. It was Abraham Lincoln* who said that "if it were night all the time, the people of the earth - all of the colors of the rainbow - would no longer war, but make love ceaselessly." Peace, then, may be the greatest dividend of all resulting from this investment in the SolarBrella.


* We're unsure of the Lincoln citation, but it was either him or another person.

NGS

We have good news pertaining to ongoing legal battles designed to protect a disabled minority that has long suffered without a voice.

Those of you who have been subscribers to our column know that we at Atricus Industries tackle problems that cause the blood to drain from the faces of less intellectually sturdy researchers and scientists. In fact, "blood drain" is at the core of the latest thorny medical question to make it to our laboratories. We count on the maturity of our readership to refrain from snickering and lapsing into puerile 14 year old boys' room locker whispers as we engage in the discussion of a disability that not only afflicts millions of men around the globe, but also affects to a disabling degree your author.

We are referring to Needy Genital Syndrome, or NGS.

The typical NGS sufferer is male, sexually active, between the ages of 13 and 110. The agony associated with "needy genitals" may make it impossible for the sufferer to work, sleep, or even conduct himself as a civilized human being. The good news is that NGS therapies are already available at exotic dance establishments, certain massage parlors, and through freelance street therapists all over the country. All that is required is the political will to decriminalize certain therapeutic maneuvers. Further discussion along these lines exceeds the scope of the present article.



We do, in this article, wish to announce a recent legislative victory. Over the last several months our attorneys at Rohl, Ouver, and Daih have successfully negotiated with the municipality of Noix Gonflees, Louisiana and the lawmaking authority of that fine political entity to gain a foothold of legislative precedence. We are proud to announce that NGS is now recognized as a disability allowing the certified placard holder to park in specially designated stalls reserved for NGS sufferers. It is well known that completely well people violate standard handicap parking areas with impunity, but NGS parking violations will result in imprisonment up to 15 years. I should note that much of the important early groundwork for this legislation was due to the efforts of city fathers including the mayor – a fellow NGS sufferer – and Atricus Industries liaison Miss Groovy Jones during a series of hot tub meetings early this winter.



If you or a loved one suffers from NGS, stay tuned to this web log for further developments.

bFast. Phase One.

We are pleased to report that we have emerged from our latest lawsuit unscathed. The bastards on the other side were unable to prove by a preponderance of the evidence that I had anything whatsoever to do with that nasty business with the triplets. My dear assistant Miss Groovy Jones, despite some mildly damaging testimony for the plaintiff, eventually came to her senses and recanted in open court. A damaged witness for the plaintiff was a good witness for me.

In any event, the research at Atricus Industries has proceeded unabated during my persecution. We are announcing the first of three phases in our new intellectual stimulation protocol, the "Breathing Fast," or "bFast" for short. Technically, it is an oxygen fast, but Miss Jones would not commit to participating in an oFast program for some silly reason. For her, we changed the name.



The first phase of this patented program encourages ordinary adults under my supervision to participate in a regimen of breath-holding. In the same way that reduced food intake stimulates the body, reduces illness, and increases longevity, reduced breathing stimulates the brain, increases knowledge, and makes one more sexy too. We shall reveal the next two phases shortly.



Naturally this sort of thing requires monitoring by a trained professional. Would you, informed and intelligent reader, take out your own appendix? Would you attempt to jump out of an aeroplane without instruction? Please contact us at Atricus Industries for a consultation.

A Mighty, Enduring Monument

We at Atricus Industries have observed with some feelings of upset that erectile dysfunction advertisements tend to show middle aged, attractive couples giggling and winking at the camera using all sorts of circumlocutions and bland euphemisms to treat the subject of penile turgidity. The truth is, more often than not, that the party looking for the sustained erection is actually a lonely, ancient, male human being. The corollary truth is that the mild vasodilators that the lily-livered commercial "medication" peddlers offer to ameliorate erectile dysfunction simply miss the mark for this true demographic. It is for this purpose that we at Atricus Industries present a medication that not only provides vasodilation, but turbocharges the cardio-pulmonary system.



Obelisk will cause mighty, stone-like monuments to rise from the wastelands of decrepit flesh. Although shunting blood to the penis from the extremities of the body may result in tingling of the limbs, unconsciousness, and the mild risk of death, the mighty erection itself remains for hours, possibly days. The subject is encouraged to position himself supine, take the pill, and be prepared to disengage from the world. Person(s) attending to the subject may need to place him on his side in the very unlikely event of unconscious vomiting. My assistant Ms. Groovy Jones has commented that, although she herself is a sensitive lover and "digs chatting," she has heard "through the grapevine" that for many women consciousness is pretty far down the list of requisite conditions in a sexual partner.



We are yet accepting research subjects. You must be a male, 85 or older. This project is in co-operation with Whispering Knolls Home for Mature Women.

Snoozercise

There is a great fiction being perpetrated jointly by the government, the diet industry, and the exercise confederation that poor diet and lack of physical activity conspire to make people fat. We have previously argued that the modern diet and processed foods are essential to the progress of the species, but we can all use a little more exercise. Who, however, has time during the busy day to travel to a gym? Because we are deeply concerned about our fellow man my assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have had a humble sideline research project simmering for a half decade or so that has finally borne fruit. We introduce to the world here, Snoozercise.



No human drive is stronger than the will to survive (known within the Atricusian Paradigm as "The Will To Not Die"). This is why people struggle to semiconsciousness and grab the remote when they have left the TV on and are assaulted by the voice of Ron Popeil at 2:30 A.M.* By firmly attaching weights to the chest of a sleeping person and compressing the available lungspace, the body must subconsciously struggle during the autonomous breathing of deep sleep to supply the brain with oxygen. This struggle is what constitutes exercise. The exercise of muscles in or near the core area of the body constitutes the best possible value per minute of work. Snoozercise is an almost safe and possibly effective way to convert time otherwise occupied in unconsciousness to time excercising.

Check with your physician before starting this or any exercise programme.

* Ms. Jones attempted to discourage me from this exercise of humor, believing that it was beneath me. I assured her that my readers have a fine taste for well-crafted hilarity involving figures from the popular culture. I suspect Ms. J simply didn't "get it."

iSuck

We have recently been having some difficulty with our iPhones. My assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, complained that she was experiencing poor reception. Having her remove the mobile from her cleavage improved both transmission and reception for a few weeks, but then even I - an expert in the care and feeding of all sorts of gadgets - noticed degraded performance in my appliance. Ms. J scheduled appointments for us at the Apple Store and we met at the appointed hour with some snooty little fellow who examined the devices briefly, and airily pronounced that they were no longer under warranty because primitive "submersion detectors" made it plain (in his walnut-sized brain) that the phones had been soaked in water. I protested, stared into his beady, rodent-like eyes, and told him that his bullshit detector was flashing like a pulsar. Security was called and a brief scuffle ensued. I'm above going into the nasty details of the subsequent valiant battle against oppression, but suffice it to say Ms. Jones conducted herself well and that the punk with the pepper spray got back as much as he gave. Apple will be paying for a new pair of pants for me, and Ms. Jones is prepared to swear in a court of law she was groped.



We returned to the lab and subsequently discovered that the iPhone has a small and diabolically clever miniature moisture sprayer attached to a submicro circuit. A reverse assembly of that circuit reveals that when an Apple employee enters an appointment for any of a number of complaints that could be explained by water damage, main Apple servers send the encrypted subcarrier cellular signal to the appliance which activates the misting device which triggers the detector for a "positive" reading thus allowing Apple to say that the problem was caused by water damage. With that declaration, the iPhone has traveled into another county and the Apple deputies are forced to stop at the line, stomp their feet, throw down their hats, and say "aw, shucks, we cain't help ya no more, gad-durn it!"

This war is far from over. Feel free to send cash donations to "Restore Apple's Gadgetry Excellence" (RAGE) in care of us. Ms. Jones is very upset. Thank you.

Chemical Man

As pre-man scrabbled for a living in parts of Africa and the Near Orient he learned to cook, which made more types of food easier to digest. The creature became Cooking Man a million and a half years ago and evolved past his fellows, leaving the monkeys to the forest. As Cooking Man wandered around and finally hopped off the glacier some 15,000 years ago, he started cultivating plants and animals, and City Man - the agriculturalist - was born. Again, modernizing man broadened his culinary world through the taming of foods. City Man prevailed against the hunter-gatherer Cooking Man, but kept his culinary skills. Several hundred years ago man harnessed the power of the machine, and Industrial Man with his milled and processed foods took over the world leaving relatively primitive City Man to perform his services, and primitive Cooking Man to point at on his vacations.

We are now at the cusp of a new age, and Chemical Man is poised to supercede Industrial Man. Chemical Man makes the best use of modern medicines, scientifically formulated and processed foods such as the Twinkie, and will undoubtedly leave mere Industrial Man behind in the stink of diesel and coal smoke. Chemical Man eats whatever comes out of the modern lab and is plump and happy. Since the age of Italian city-state politics mankind has tended to suspect that heaviness evidences prosperity and good health. Chemical Man says and does what he wants, has sex when and with whomever he pleases, and eats until he's about to pop. It was only during the 19th century that the busybody Christers started associating body weight with the fabricated "sin" of "gluttony." People who oppose this so-called "hedonism" are selfish, narrow-minded folks who are unhappy unless they are in someone else's business. As Eric Hoffer noted, "people with business worth minding generally mind their own business."



Chemical Man's lifestyle makes him happy (just look at the faces of children as they eat cotton candy or enjoy an ice cream cone!), and unless we all participate and breed the next generation of happy, rotund, self-satisfied, chemically complex men, we will stagnate and die.

I Made Tank Man

We have decided to break nearly 20 years of silence. Two decades ago Ms. Groovy Jones and I were conducting research in Beijing on the relationship of "random behaviors" and "rigid societies." One of our subjects, whose name we are yet keeping private, was hypnotized and instructed to see the first large vehicle he came across as a taxi and hail it. We intended to document the response of the driver. We had anticipated that the subject would attempt to stop a large truck. Obviously our programming was defective, and the subsequent behavior of our subject has been the result of a generation of discussion. The fault lies entirely at the tiny, well-pedicured feet of Ms. Jones who was relatively inexperienced at subtle, subliminal suggestion, her gifts tending toward the much more obvious and vulgar.

In any event, the iconic "lone rebel" of Tiananmen Square wasn't. The record must be settled.

In other news, the People's Republic of China has recently extended an invitation to Ms. Jones and me to study the effects of "creeping democracy and social media" in that marvelous land, guests of the government. We are delighted by this unexpected and generous offer by the PRC.

Toilet Paper and Personality

We have been inundated with questions over the course of the morning from people who are curious about what psychological insights may be gleaned from how they position their toilet paper rolls, "over" or "under." We are, as many long-time readers know, experts in the field having written previously for many highly respected journals on the psychology of hygiene ritual.



People who install their toilet paper so that the tissue comes out from behind and under the roll tend to be sexually promiscuous, devious, and untrustworthy. Many "rock and roll" musicians, for example, practice the "under" method as part of their dark, salacious lifestyles. My assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, is a recovering underholic.

People who set up their toilet paper so that the tissue comes over the top are much more likely to be aggressive, insensitive power-mongerers. Examples of such personalities include Napoleon, an early proponent of rolled paper in France, well before its "official" invention some sixty or seventy years later. Former President Richard Nixon is alleged to have also fallen into this camp, although it is hotly contested by hygiene rituologists.

The most balanced people are those who forgo the entire toilet paper convention and refuse to participate within a system that says "put your toilet paper on a roll bar." Simply placing a roll on its side is much more likely to evidence even-temperedness, balanced personality, and free-thinkingness, although some preliminary evidence also suggests fickleness, lack of commitment, and weakness of personality.

We hope our insights lead to a clearing of this complex and fascinating issue.

Hard Times for Research

An Open Letter to Lovers of Science:

We recently learned that one of our grants will NOT be renewed this fall. The fertile field of Tactile Telekinesis is one in which my lovely research assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have generated a great deal of material. For the uninitiated, tactile telekinetics is the field of mind control that merges physicality with the mental aspects. In Tactile Telekinetics I excercise certain thought powers, e.g. "I wish to cause you pain," and my hand telekinetically moves to slap you in the face which causes you pain and completes the thought process. This is Tactile Telekinetics.

Some small-minded bean counter in Washington D.C. has failed to distinguish this legitimate, fascinating, and lucrative (for us) science from simple thrashing around and has axed our grant. Well, he has a boss too. We are appealing this myopic attack on our science, and encourage you - dear, esteemed reader, whoever you are - to write to your legislator about our case.

Thank you,

Dr. Gerald Atricus and Ms. Groovy Jones

Modifying DNA

We are, as usual, ahead of our time. We were recently rejected yet again (as are all prophets, visionaries, and progressives) by a half dozen so-called "scientific" journals for our theories regarding the modification of DNA and the creation of new organisms.

DNA, for the layperson, looks like this:



Modification of DNA according to the Atricusian Method (patent pending) involves rapidly spinning the organism in a direction opposite the twist of the DNA, thus straighening it out. Our early experiments with grasshoppers in Atricusian RSMs (rapidly spinning machines) have been promising. The stuff we have pulled out of the spinners may very well be new life forms. We are running the organic material through filters at the moment, scanning for signs of life.

We are publishing this so that the scientific publishing community (not really scientists at all!) cannot steal our brilliant ideas, and herewith lay claim to the credit we are due for this breakthrough technique. Up yours, you lab-coated, Galileo-hating, rigid, narrow-minded bastards!

Champion of Women's Rights

We have been invited to speak again at a graduating class for a small, elite women's institution. When we address the Tuscaloosa Beauty School tonight, we shall recount our involvement in the liberation of women - perhaps these very girls' mothers - back in the late sixties. God, I personally liberated as many women as I could get my hands on.


It is all the more mysterious that my personal and research assistant, Groovy Jones, keeps hassling me for some sort of uncomfortable change to our long-term, casual, liberating relationship. Why any woman would want to be enslaved with a ring and a piece of paper is beyond me.


In any event, let us all reflect today on the great gains women have made, and in our participation in those gains. We can hardly wait to make the acquaintance of yet more intelligent and independent young women tonight at the "meet and greet" (and drink) subsequent to the graduation ceremony. To women's lib, and to meeting more liberated women!