Showing posts with label bfast. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bfast. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Price of Progress
Please ignore any news items regarding a suit against Atricus Industries by the inquisitorial federal government and opportunistic private persons. The Atricus "oxygen fast" technique (AKA bFast) for increasing brain power (patent pending) will eventually be vindicated. We regret that one of our subjects recently nearly drowned during submerged negative-reinforcement memory testing. Our attorney has strongly recommended we remain silent, but I must note that if the subject cannot remember the difference between the hand gestures for "a little more electric shock is still okay" and "let me out now," how can we be blamed?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
bFast. Phase One.
We are pleased to report that we have emerged from our latest lawsuit unscathed. The bastards on the other side were unable to prove by a preponderance of the evidence that I had anything whatsoever to do with that nasty business with the triplets. My dear assistant Miss Groovy Jones, despite some mildly damaging testimony for the plaintiff, eventually came to her senses and recanted in open court. A damaged witness for the plaintiff was a good witness for me.
In any event, the research at Atricus Industries has proceeded unabated during my persecution. We are announcing the first of three phases in our new intellectual stimulation protocol, the "Breathing Fast," or "bFast" for short. Technically, it is an oxygen fast, but Miss Jones would not commit to participating in an oFast program for some silly reason. For her, we changed the name.
The first phase of this patented program encourages ordinary adults under my supervision to participate in a regimen of breath-holding. In the same way that reduced food intake stimulates the body, reduces illness, and increases longevity, reduced breathing stimulates the brain, increases knowledge, and makes one more sexy too. We shall reveal the next two phases shortly.
Naturally this sort of thing requires monitoring by a trained professional. Would you, informed and intelligent reader, take out your own appendix? Would you attempt to jump out of an aeroplane without instruction? Please contact us at Atricus Industries for a consultation.
In any event, the research at Atricus Industries has proceeded unabated during my persecution. We are announcing the first of three phases in our new intellectual stimulation protocol, the "Breathing Fast," or "bFast" for short. Technically, it is an oxygen fast, but Miss Jones would not commit to participating in an oFast program for some silly reason. For her, we changed the name.
The first phase of this patented program encourages ordinary adults under my supervision to participate in a regimen of breath-holding. In the same way that reduced food intake stimulates the body, reduces illness, and increases longevity, reduced breathing stimulates the brain, increases knowledge, and makes one more sexy too. We shall reveal the next two phases shortly.
Naturally this sort of thing requires monitoring by a trained professional. Would you, informed and intelligent reader, take out your own appendix? Would you attempt to jump out of an aeroplane without instruction? Please contact us at Atricus Industries for a consultation.
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