Hard Times for Research

An Open Letter to Lovers of Science:

We recently learned that one of our grants will NOT be renewed this fall. The fertile field of Tactile Telekinesis is one in which my lovely research assistant, Ms. Groovy Jones, and I have generated a great deal of material. For the uninitiated, tactile telekinetics is the field of mind control that merges physicality with the mental aspects. In Tactile Telekinetics I excercise certain thought powers, e.g. "I wish to cause you pain," and my hand telekinetically moves to slap you in the face which causes you pain and completes the thought process. This is Tactile Telekinetics.

Some small-minded bean counter in Washington D.C. has failed to distinguish this legitimate, fascinating, and lucrative (for us) science from simple thrashing around and has axed our grant. Well, he has a boss too. We are appealing this myopic attack on our science, and encourage you - dear, esteemed reader, whoever you are - to write to your legislator about our case.

Thank you,

Dr. Gerald Atricus and Ms. Groovy Jones

Modifying DNA

We are, as usual, ahead of our time. We were recently rejected yet again (as are all prophets, visionaries, and progressives) by a half dozen so-called "scientific" journals for our theories regarding the modification of DNA and the creation of new organisms.

DNA, for the layperson, looks like this:



Modification of DNA according to the Atricusian Method (patent pending) involves rapidly spinning the organism in a direction opposite the twist of the DNA, thus straighening it out. Our early experiments with grasshoppers in Atricusian RSMs (rapidly spinning machines) have been promising. The stuff we have pulled out of the spinners may very well be new life forms. We are running the organic material through filters at the moment, scanning for signs of life.

We are publishing this so that the scientific publishing community (not really scientists at all!) cannot steal our brilliant ideas, and herewith lay claim to the credit we are due for this breakthrough technique. Up yours, you lab-coated, Galileo-hating, rigid, narrow-minded bastards!