If You Can't Join Them, Beat Them

We at Atricus Industries were awarded a juicy contract to develop less-than-lethal law enforcement technologies. My assistant Miss Groovy Jones and I discovered that Fiji provided the most conducive atmosphere to the sort of creative thinking required for this line of intellectual inquiry. We exhausted our funds before we were able to actually produce anything, and I must confess a little distress at the prospect of completing the grant followup forms. This unanticipatedly rapid research expenditure however turned out to be a benefit. And "necessity," as it happens, really is the mother of invention.



We mean that quite literally. Necessity - the daughter of some ex-pat free-thinkers - was our maid at the bungalow and it was she who complained of a drum-induced nosebleed stemming from what she believed was over-exposure the previous evening. The next fifteen minutes were a creative flurry as Miss Jones and I completed the grant followup and the proposal in a rhetorical masterpiece.

Most great ideas - and we believe we qualify as experts in that field as this blog will attest - involve the synthesis of distinct theses by great minds. My underappreciated father (rest his soul), Patrick, had been involved in very technical studies on the punitive effects of amplified drumming back in the 1950s.



My limber and nimble mind made the necessary connections, and we are now prepared to offer law enforcement and the military our expertise in deploying the soon-to-be patented AuralAssault™ technology along with our specially trained Fijian strike force. This will naturally require additional funding which the taxpayers would be foolish not to force upon us.

bFast. Phase One.

We are pleased to report that we have emerged from our latest lawsuit unscathed. The bastards on the other side were unable to prove by a preponderance of the evidence that I had anything whatsoever to do with that nasty business with the triplets. My dear assistant Miss Groovy Jones, despite some mildly damaging testimony for the plaintiff, eventually came to her senses and recanted in open court. A damaged witness for the plaintiff was a good witness for me.

In any event, the research at Atricus Industries has proceeded unabated during my persecution. We are announcing the first of three phases in our new intellectual stimulation protocol, the "Breathing Fast," or "bFast" for short. Technically, it is an oxygen fast, but Miss Jones would not commit to participating in an oFast program for some silly reason. For her, we changed the name.



The first phase of this patented program encourages ordinary adults under my supervision to participate in a regimen of breath-holding. In the same way that reduced food intake stimulates the body, reduces illness, and increases longevity, reduced breathing stimulates the brain, increases knowledge, and makes one more sexy too. We shall reveal the next two phases shortly.



Naturally this sort of thing requires monitoring by a trained professional. Would you, informed and intelligent reader, take out your own appendix? Would you attempt to jump out of an aeroplane without instruction? Please contact us at Atricus Industries for a consultation.