Apologia pro Twinkie

We have no patience for those who would malign the epitome of soft, sweet, and friendly food: The Twinkie.

Some have waxed bombastic about the so-called phosphate and gas content of this delicious and healthy food. Others poke fun at the longevity of the venerable snack cake through supposed "experiments." But the truth remains that no one can demonstrate a link between the consumption of Twinkies in particular, and poor health. That is because such allegations, such baseless claims, the rhetorical graspings at air of apoplectic, righteous do-gooders and busybodies, are utterly false.

We have enjoyed a Twinkie several times a week with Nescafe as part of our well-balanced breakfast, and the Twinkie has served as the fuel for our marvelous mind. In fact, we can prove that the Twinkie is a quintessentially modern, safe, perfect food.

1) The Twinkie contains healthy, modern chemicals. Just because the Twinkie may contain trace amounts of phosphates and sundry minerals does not make it bad. Many of us take medicines which contain many compounds which when consumed at high levels may be toxic. The Twinkie is not dangerous; it is medicinal in the sense that it makes us happy and supplies us with the chemicals upon which we have come to rely.

2) The Twinkie is made with love. In 1936 our late father Patrick visited the Twinkie plant - a kitchen actually - in Illinois. It was a life-changing experience. He would often recount how Inez, Lucilla, and Melba showed him the attention which went into every precious snack cake. Although father was no believer, he was impressed by the prayer circle at the beginning of the production day in which the ladies invoked the power of a higher being in assisting them in their great work of bringing joy to innumerable American pantries and lunchboxes.

3) The so-called Twinkie Defense was debunked ages ago. In fact, having a Twinkie to cheer oneself up is preferred to using heroin, methamphetamine, or ecstasy.

In the coming weeks, we shall engage the lies supported by our federal government and various health departments that foods such as the Twinkie are responsible for an "epidemic" of health problems in this country.